Indulgent

I have always thought I was open with people. That whoever I considered a friend knew me but yesterday I found out that’s not the case. In as much as I talk alot; no one knows much about me which I suppose shouldn’t bug me but it does make me question how guarded I am and why.

I know why and it isn’t pretty or helpful to repeat it over and over again. But why can’t I get over it? I still shouldn’t hope that one day I’ll be straight laced when I don’t even let one of my best friends know what I am about.

We were talking about drama in our lives and he said that mine has the kind that amuses him. I don’t think my life has drama but he said that particular situation I told him about was dramatic. I think it’s just annoying. The surprising part was that he was hearing for the first time and I thought he knew about it. Made me wonder what else don’t people know about me that they should. I came up with nada. Does that make me a bad person?

I don’t think so. I think it makes me quite boring but bad? Maybe sad; definitely introverted. Psychs say that withholding info about oneself is a form of abuse; lashing out at other people who express interest in the subject. But what if it’s unintentional? Unconscious? They say it isn’t and even if the subject doesn’t feel it’s selfish and unfair, they know it is which made me figure that sometimes I do intentionally keep things to myself. Not to punish someone or anything but because I don’t find it relevant to the topic.

So; how do I rectify this little problem? I have no idea. All these trust exercises I have gotten in my research just seem pretentious and energy consuming. Not cool. Especially when one is not motivated as I am. Guess I’ll just suck it up and play the part until I become the part.