Friday

It's one of those days; Friday. The bad day...when all the stress of the week culminates into a serious tension that clouds up literally everything in my life. Physically it makes my vision blur and my stomach barely bear food or my throat take drinks. My head pounds like a silent sledgehammer where there is no sound but you can feel the force of it. I hate it. Then comes the emotional side of it and it's a house of cards falling down around me. I hate it. Only I can't feel so it's a whole lot of more tension in the form of that emotion.
Most people like Fridays cause they can release their tension and smile and have fun. I prefer Mondays cause the tension of the week can be left behind as a new week starts. Fridays are not my friend because by then I'm so tense jumping out of the class window (that's 12 floors up) is tempting. I spent half of my evening class last night thinking that slamming the pavement would indeed be better than being awake and alive and having to tolerate humans and listen to them and know them. They suck. I suck. So why not just die?
Oh yeah, got no motivation.
One day the motivation will come through. I got enough motivation to buy a box of pain pills last week so inevitably I will down them all. Till then, maybe I'll get one good Friday. Last Friday was a close to good one. I won't hold my breath though.

grey old feelings

how i am of lately

sometimes the world is brilliant. it's this grand beauty with an essence that is thriving and amazing and uplifting. it all makes being apathetic that much less appealing

i know what it feels like to be able to recognise the beauty of the earth. to look up into the sky and see the ranging tones of blue or the golden hue of a cloud reflecting sunlight. that was a few years ago.

nowadays, i see the same tones, the same lighting but it evokes nothing. it inspires nothing; i don't appreciate it and it looks like it's a sin. according to st. paul, it is.

apathy is a sin and i know why. to be unresponsive; unwelcoming of the Almighty's works should evoke shame. it is disappointing and saddening and ungrateful. because God can decide not to grace us with the earth's beauty.

nevertheless, my mind's unchanged. i will recognise the beauty; i will recognise the intensity. will i stand up from the hallway and check out of the grey mood hotel? i don't know. not today anyway.